Peeking into my very own crystal ball

A brand new year is only days away and I for one,

am quite excited about it.

You see, 2013 is going to be a big year.

I have decided to get my priorities in order.

I'm going to start with the realisation that my career really shouldn't dominate how I live my life.

Fuck the system!

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not going to quit or anything.

I do like my job and you know, we all have bills to pay.

I just want stop letting it control my life plans.

Presently, Candice and I are in the process of buying our first home.

We actually think we have found the one we want and it's literally next door.

We're so excited to finally have a place of our own!

It's something we have always talked about and now it's actually going to happen.

 Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

We have also decided to 'register' our relationship as it is the closest thing

to marriage that exists for us poor old gays. 

The process is rather similar to, say... Registering your dog.

Fill out a form and lodge it.

Can even be done online. The romance is killing me.

But you know what? Fuck it.

They say we can't have a ceremony or celebration or anything

as it is 'not a marriage'.

Rules schmules.

I'll do what I fucking want thanks, Mr Cunt Face Newman.

Thirdly, the baby date.

It's one of those dates that we move back and forth,

constantly reshuffling our plans and wondering when the right time is.

What we are now starting to figure out, is that the 'right time'

 is a great big ol' myth.

As if there is ever a right time to take leave from your work,

give up your freedom, face your fears of something completely brand new,

alter the life you know with your partner,

and most importantly, have an actual tiny human depend and look up to you for life.

There is no magical right time when all of those things align.

Candice and I love each other a lot.

In fact there is so much love that we even have spare reserves of it,

kept nice, safe and ready for when we have someone little who needs it.

At this point, the baby date has moved forward again. 

Mid to late 2013 we plan to begin the donor search and start making appointments.

After that, it really just depends on my body...

could be months, could be years. 

So these are some of the huge life events that 2013 holds for us.

I'm really excited and nervous.

Most of all though I feel happy and positive.

Brand new years are the best.

♥

Everything seems grey

For the past few weeks my partner and I have been on

 a mission to get our health in order.

Healthier eating, exercise and cutting out any habitual drinking habits.

Regretfully, I'm not doing as well as Candice.

In the beginning week, yeah I went okay. 

The next week or so I did great.

But this week has been a poor effort on my part.

The reoccurring problem for me is my drinking.

I'm so set in my routine shift cycle that I often drink out of habit.

I find it the worst when I'm on afternoon shift.

Which is this week.

So I'm struggling big time.

 One thing I'm realising is that a week without regular 

interaction with Candice is really fucking hard. 

I get a tired hello when I get home from work late at night 

and she gets a sleepy/barely awake goodbye in the morning.

This means I have to be my own company.

Pass me sloshing glass of wine please.

Today for the first time I actually asked myself

"Shauna, could you be an alcoholic?"

 I have been told in the past that I am/might be.

But that information has come from ex-girlfriends and we all know how they like to point the blame.

Now, being a shift worker I work a 3 week rotation of

Day, Afternoon and then Graveyard.

• Graveyard shift I clearly can't drink and don't.

I don't crave alcohol and feel really happy and positive.

• Day shift I find myself doing the exercise but then my drinking routine

 takes over and I crave a bottle of wine while we cook dinner.

• Afternoon shift I am just feeling shit. 

The first day isn't so bad but after that it's a steep slope and I'm quickly at the bottom.

Hello booze.

I hate this because I'm not who I want to be.

I know I can be better, it's just being able to break these habits.

Waking up and not wanting to move then getting home and grabbing a wine glass.

Then repeat.

Again and again.

I have frightened myself a few times lately by having old feelings of numbness.

 Feeling I haven't experienced in years.

The numbness that comes with deep depression.

It's almost that you feel nothing.

No happiness, no sadness, no guilt, no excitement, no fear.

Just nothing.

Last night on the way home from work I found myself wanting my car to break down.

As I drove along the dark street I imagined walking it alone.

I found intense comfort but no fear.

This type of drinking for me is a damaging habit that I need to break.

Social drinking is great... I love it.

Solo drinking, however, may seem great to me at the time 

but ultimately creates a great big grey space.

This week has been bleak.

Grey, grey, grey and more grey.

Ani explains it best.

Next week is a new one.

I plan on milking all the happy I can get.

♥

Never been brave enough

I hate scary movies.

I don't know why I'm such a wimp, I just am.

 I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but it took me a while to admit it.

Let's go back to my 11th birthday... It was a slumber party of course.

I was allowed to have a handful of girls over and as you can imagine I was so excited.

My mother took us down to the local Blockbuster store to pick out some movies.

Among the girls I invited was Ophelia and she was my best friend.

I was utterly in love with her.

Ophelia loved scary movies.

 We left with a handful of videos (literally, after all this was 18 years ago) to keep us going for as long as we could stay awake, including Ophelia's pick...

 Scream 

 I was horrified. 

 When I was asked which movie I wanted on first, I chose the scary one.

I didn't want to look scared... Plus Ophelia chose it.

I made it almost to the end of the opening scene.

You know, the one with Drew Barrymore.

This scene below.

Then I had to find an exit.

I quietly excused myself as if I was just momentarily leaving the room.

I went into my bedroom.

Freaked as fuck.

Panic... what was I going to do!? 

I knew I couldn't go back out to the lounge and watch anymore.

I felt so sad and frightened on my own sitting there on the slats of my bed

(my mattress was in the lounge area where we were all 'slumbering' for the night)

But there was no way I could bring myself to go out and watch that movie.

After about 10 minutes of nervous solitude, my little sister came and found me.

I confessed my reason for hiding away

(even though I'm sure she already knew)

and to my relief she said she would stay with me for the rest of the movie
so I wasn't alone.

She wasn't scared but she knew that I was.

We sat and talked and laughed.

It's my best memory from that birthday.

Chatting and giggling on wooden slats with my little sister.

At less than 2 years apart we have always been super close. 

Despite (as children) me occasionally holding her head under water or her

occasionally slamming my fingers in the car door,
we have always had a really close bond.

I'll never forget her rescuing me from my wimpy self inflicted birthday solitude that night.

Many years later after not learning my lesson, I stupidly found myself walking into
a scary movie I didn't want to see.
 

A couple of friends wanted to see a film that was based on true events.

The movie was... Monster

I actually feel sick and nervous after having to search through images from this movie.
 

I have no idea why I agreed to see it, knowing full well that it wasn't my type of film.

I lasted perhaps 20-30 min before power walking if not casually jogging out of the theatre.

I then sat in the foyer of the Palace Centro Cinema on

my own for the rest of the movie reading the only book I had in my bag. 

Germaine Greer - The Whole Woman.

 I read fast, trying hard to clog my brain with female empowerment.

 It didn't work! It couldn't distract me from what I had seen.

I continued to read my book on the train home afterwards but what I had 

witnessed in the first 20-30 min was burned into my memory and I was sick for days.

I just despise yucky/scary shit.

Above all I hate sexual assault movies/shows etc

 Even if I'm in a different room and I hear this sound...

... My stomach drops, I panic and immediately need to change the channel.

Candice knows this instinctively now and I reckon she would beat me if it were a race.

So this is why I refuse to watch scary/yucky/frightening/torture films.

It takes me a lot to get over it.

I really wish I wasn't so affected but I am and there is nothing I can do about it.

Except not watch them, which is what I plan on doing forever of course.

Infatuation of the week # 4

This week it's back to the boys.

I scratched my head a little bit but then came up with this guy.

Joseph Gorden-levitt

Does anyone else remember him from 3rd Rock from the Sun?

Well that awkward kid sure grew up.

In the past few years he has been involved in some really great films.

Let's take a look at some trailers.

 

500 Days of Summer 

Eeep, I heart this movie so much.

I especially love the scene where he is dancing with his very own flash mob.

50/50

My partner has been wanting us to see the film 50/50 for a while now.

I kept putting it off as I thought it was a depressing cancer movie that would upset me.

After finally watching the trailer though, I'm really wanting to see it.

And here is a short Joseph and Ellen DeGeneres clip for good measure.

Always funny to watch a nerdy boy try and be pretend sexy.

Oh yeah, some photos.

I think the thing I like most about him is that he simply looks like he stepped out of 1940.

Clean and incredibly suave.

Oh, he speaks fluent french too.

That's about it folks, until the next infatuation edition that is.

Flashback

Gee, I'm blogging like a maniac this weekend.

Equal parts boredom and alcohol.

Ever have those odd childhood flashbacks?
Memories that are so old that they're simply part of your history.
Then at some point in your adult life you stop to really think about them?
Memories that make you actually say out loud 'what the fucking fuck?'
 I encountered such a memory a few days ago.

 This memory starts with my mother taking my younger sister and I to visit our grandparents.
They had recently moved.
 Moved into a nudist retirement village.
Yep.
You heard right.

I was maybe 7, she was 5.
Oooh, I thank the universe everyday that neither my grandparents were naked for these visits.
I remember loads of pretty bushland and wind chimes.
My grandparents showed us around their cottage and it was really cool.
But being little kids we quickly got bored.
Can we go play? Pleeeeeease?
My Grandma told us there was a trampoline just up the pathway.
Yay! We ran the whole way and it was worth it.
This trampoline was fucking olympic size.
I shit you not.
I know we were little but it had to be at least 10m by 4m.
I could run, flip, run, flip, run and fucking well flip again.
We never wanted to leave.
But then came the saggy tits and old floppy dicks.
All of a sudden we were surrounded.
All the pathways clogged with drooping skin.
 We ran back to our mum shocked at what we had seen.
You see, we weren't told that where we were going was full of nudists.
All that we know was that Poppy and Granny lived here and that was it.
It's got worse.
After lunch came the swimming pool.
Once again it was really big.
Thankfully so.
We were up one end and a bunch of elderly naked folks up the other.
Sharing the same water as dementia. 
Why they had to repeatedly get in and out of the pool is beyond me.
Why, why, why?
 
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not against nudity or anything.
Though I can't say I could ever see myself living in a nudist colony.
At best these days, I'm the late night skinny dipping at the beach type.
But nude all the time...
>cooking nude, sitting around a fire nude, cleaning nude, collecting my mail nude<
... is bit out of my comfort zone.
Though some people pull it off rather well I must say.

Good for them.

Nudity can also result in some pretty cool art.

The most alarming aspect of this memory is the giant trampoline.
Why so big?
More importantly why did a nudist retirement village require a trampoline at all?
Surely with all those fragile hips it was a hazard.
I can just picture all those loose bodies jumping up and down in slow motion.
At least I hope that all the trampoline was used for.

Only at age 28, have I suddenly recognised this memory as slightly unusual.
I look at my Gran now at the ripe old age of 82,
in her floral blouse and her extreme vague awareness of all around her
and it's hard to believe my memory is true.
If I hadn't been there to witness it with my own eyes
I probably wouldn't even believe it.

Real Love on Friday

Today IS Friday.

So I'm a bit late... But I sure hope it was full of love.

For you today...

 

Regina Spektor - Real Love

Live from Triple J

 

 It's pretty brave to cover a John Lennon song.

But in my little opinion I think she covers it and then some.

So this is apparently terrifying?

Well today was a happy day for 2 people.

They had only been waiting 35 years.

This morning in Washington, these ladies became the first same sex couple in the state to marry.

Congratulations you gorgeous sweethearts.

Oh my... too much cute. I may die.

Get's me thinking... 

I sure hope my face is still semi flexible on the day I am able to marry.

How dare these ignorant bureaucrats make me wait.

Um, my face is ready now.

Actually it was ready 5 years ago. 

Just let me marry already.

It's heavy on my heart,

It's fading all the colour out of my rainbow

and making the glitter less sparkly.

But worst of all it's making the unicorns cry.

Change is good people.

Tis' the Season

  Guess what? 

It's has become painfully apparent to me that a certain holiday is just around the corner.

I found this out today when I opened the junk mail.

It spewed out red, green and tacky tinsel all over me.

I generally dread Christmas.

It's that time of year when you are forced to not only buy gifts for relatives 

you hardly like and/or know, but also spend 

quality Christmas time

with all of them.

I should mention my family is huge and extended.

This year however, I have announced that I will not be participating

in the whole present giving/receiving.

I will be there.

And by golly that should be enough as I'm clearly a gift as it is.

In all seriousness though, getting out of that present crap is going to save me

a butt load of time, energy and stress.

I will of course still buy my Mama something.

She did have to push me out of her vagina and then raise me after all.

I think that deserves a lifetime of gifts.

Though I must admit, she wasn't always giving it 100%.

A while ago I asked her why she decided on Holly for my middle name.

She quite honestly answered,

"Well Shauna, I just been in labour for 10 hours and they needed a full name.

There was a a bunch of holly nailed above the ward room doorway so I just thought 

yeah okay that could be nice, Shauna Holly"

First of all Ma, I was in your stomach for 9 months.

Did you really have to leave it to the last second to decide what I would be called for the rest of my life?

Secondly, I was born right at the end of January so what kind of hospital takes over a month to take down it's decorations. Outrageous.

 (I really don't mind my name at all, I'm just being an ass)

Despite seeming like a Grinch, I'm really not.

For many years I was but now I rather enjoy Christmas.  

I'm getting better.

Now that I don't have to worry about the insane Xmas shoppers I would usually 

have to deal with I think I might even enjoy being surrounded by my entire family all at once.

 

Christmas with friends is a whole other story.

A fabulous one.

It's all about getting to do it how ever you want it.

"Oh hey guys, I was thinking I might hang that old branch up over the table

and decorate it Xmas style for our feast"

"What an awesome idea! Now let's all get celebrate the day with a frozen margaritas

and long island ice teas!"

Christmas with friends is all about dancing...

 Until you are about ready to fall into the Christmas tree.

There are plenty of other things about this holiday that I love.

To mention a few

•  All the pretty, sparkly Christmas lights on houses
• The fact that people are just generally cheerful around this time of year. Even bosses.
• Decorating the Xmas tree. 
• Frozen margaritas and cold beer
• Santa hats, bon bons and the bad jokes that come inside them
• Even though most people like to pretend that the trashy Xmas music (like Mariah Carey singing 'All I want for Christmas") drives them crazy... I know they secretly like it. At least I most secretly do.
• Most importantly, my favourite thing about Christmas is starting new traditions. Candice and I have our own families but together we visit each. My crazy family in the morning/lunch, then in the afternoon/evening we takes our puppy family over to her parents.

As the years go by and we extend our little family to include a little person of our own,
these traditions will become even more important and special.

I kind of think that's half the reason I'm enjoying this time of year so much more.
 I don't want to be a Grinch that is set in her ways when we have a child.

I want to be the one throwing red, green and tacky tinsel.

Infatuation of the Week # 3

Back to the ladies.

Hello, Helena Bonham Carter.

I really LOVE interesting women.

This lady is just all kinds of wonderful.

I can't think of a movie that she's in that I don't like.

I can't think of a character she plays that I'm not immediately infatuated with.

She makes them so intriguing.

Marla Singer, Bellatrix Lestrange, The Red Queen, 

Mrs Lovett, Queen Elizabeth, the list goes on.

But it's not just her in movie roles that captivate me.

She is genuinely alluring.

Married to an equally talented and interesting person, Tim Burton, 

these two are a serious power couple.

So much charisma, so very little conformity.

At 46, damn she's still got it.

I just heart her to bits.

See her in a few of my favourite roles below.

The Red Queen

Marla Singer

Bellatrix Lestrange

Sweeny Todd

The Kings Speech

So talented.

One for the road.

♥

Friday Sweetness

Well, today was a bad day. 

I was grumpy, upset and spaced out.

But now it's finally over.

Good thing it's Friday tomorrow.

The song I have chosen this week is by a band called The Lumineers.

I don't really know much about them.

A folk rock band.

American.

Two boys, one girl and many instruments.

Simple melody and cute lyrics.

The Lumineers - Ho Hey

Happy almost weekend people.

Infatuation time # 2

This weeks infatuation goes to....

Elijah Wood

So I have decided that I'm going to TRY and alternate genders each week.

 'Try' being the operative word there.

I had a girl last week, so there is guy this week.

No guarantees I can keep up the pattern though.

Ladies are more infatuating after all.

You now how straight girls have girl crushes?

Well... Oh, Elijah.

You are one of my very limited boy crushes.

You're all the things a lesbian looks for in a boy crush.

Clean, mysterious, nerdy and feminine.

This infatuation also stems from Elijah refusing

to be typecast and consistently choosing to be in really good films.

Starting off as a child actor he just got better and better.

Unlike many others he didn't became a drug addict.

Never attempted suicide

Never sued his parents.

Never got caught up in fame where he placed himself on top of people.

 He is just a sweet, down-to-earth guy.

Just a handful of causes he is involved in include,

• Cancer
•  Animal Welfare
• Conservation
• HIV/AIDS
• Children
• Disaster Relief
• Parent/Family Support
• Health
• Creative Arts
• Environment

By all means joy if you will.

Now just try and tell me you don't have a boy crush too.

This image above is taken from a clip with Shirley Manson.

(AKA the dead fucking sexy red head lead singer of Garbage)

If you haven't yet had the pleasure of viewing these beauties
together than by all means... Indulge yourself.

Elijah now stars in the U.S version of Wilfred.

Now, I'll admit I was nervous.

Australian humour doesn't always translate well in America.

But they loved it.

Okay, okay.

I just have to put in a Wilfred 'Best Of' clip below.

From the original Australian series though.

 But back to the American version...

Until next time

♥

Infatuation of the week #1

I have decided to introduce to new post topic that I can hopefully keep up on a weekly basis.

However, we all know how bad I am at keeping up with regular posts so I 

guess you'll just be patient with me.

I apologise in advance if I skip a week or 3 every now and again.

Someone I have crushing on pretty hard for a while now is...

>insert drum roll<

Marion Cotillard

Clearly it's because of her intelligence and nothing more.

Well, maybe a little more.

Marion is simply lovely.

This little frenchy was born in Paris, her papa was a former mime/director

and her mama was a french actress/ drama teacher.

From 1993 - 2002 she stars in loads of french films.

I must see all.

Some more well know films in which you can find her include,

Big Fish, Public Enemies, Nine, Midnight in Paris, Contagion and The Dark Knight.

Though all smaller type roles.

More known for Inception.

 Mostly known for La vie en rose.

I heart that movie so bad.

She plays Edith Piaf and does it so well.

All the tragedy and heartbreak.

The immense self destruction.

 The little sparrow.

I look forward to finally watching all her older films as well as any new ones to come.

In the mean time, hope you can enjoy her beauty as much as I do.

 

 

 

In case by some silly reason you haven't seen Inception yet, 

here are a few good reasons to watch.

Marion Cotillard is in it.

Ellen Page is in it.

Joseph Gorden Levitt is in it.

Cillian Murphy is in it.

 Be warned though.

You may need to watch it a few times.

I've seen it maybe 4 times and each time I discover something new.

I have those 'Shit, I totally didn't see that before'

or 'Ohhhhh, I get that scene now' moments.

Here is one of my favourite scenes

Also an Craig Ferguson interview with Marion.

Partly because I loves his accent and equally because I love hers.

Until my next infatuation, y'all.