Never been brave enough

I hate scary movies.

I don't know why I'm such a wimp, I just am.

 I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but it took me a while to admit it.

Let's go back to my 11th birthday... It was a slumber party of course.

I was allowed to have a handful of girls over and as you can imagine I was so excited.

My mother took us down to the local Blockbuster store to pick out some movies.

Among the girls I invited was Ophelia and she was my best friend.

I was utterly in love with her.

Ophelia loved scary movies.

 We left with a handful of videos (literally, after all this was 18 years ago) to keep us going for as long as we could stay awake, including Ophelia's pick...

 Scream 

 I was horrified. 

 When I was asked which movie I wanted on first, I chose the scary one.

I didn't want to look scared... Plus Ophelia chose it.

I made it almost to the end of the opening scene.

You know, the one with Drew Barrymore.

This scene below.

Then I had to find an exit.

I quietly excused myself as if I was just momentarily leaving the room.

I went into my bedroom.

Freaked as fuck.

Panic... what was I going to do!? 

I knew I couldn't go back out to the lounge and watch anymore.

I felt so sad and frightened on my own sitting there on the slats of my bed

(my mattress was in the lounge area where we were all 'slumbering' for the night)

But there was no way I could bring myself to go out and watch that movie.

After about 10 minutes of nervous solitude, my little sister came and found me.

I confessed my reason for hiding away

(even though I'm sure she already knew)

and to my relief she said she would stay with me for the rest of the movie
so I wasn't alone.

She wasn't scared but she knew that I was.

We sat and talked and laughed.

It's my best memory from that birthday.

Chatting and giggling on wooden slats with my little sister.

At less than 2 years apart we have always been super close. 

Despite (as children) me occasionally holding her head under water or her

occasionally slamming my fingers in the car door,
we have always had a really close bond.

I'll never forget her rescuing me from my wimpy self inflicted birthday solitude that night.

Many years later after not learning my lesson, I stupidly found myself walking into
a scary movie I didn't want to see.
 

A couple of friends wanted to see a film that was based on true events.

The movie was... Monster

I actually feel sick and nervous after having to search through images from this movie.
 

I have no idea why I agreed to see it, knowing full well that it wasn't my type of film.

I lasted perhaps 20-30 min before power walking if not casually jogging out of the theatre.

I then sat in the foyer of the Palace Centro Cinema on

my own for the rest of the movie reading the only book I had in my bag. 

Germaine Greer - The Whole Woman.

 I read fast, trying hard to clog my brain with female empowerment.

 It didn't work! It couldn't distract me from what I had seen.

I continued to read my book on the train home afterwards but what I had 

witnessed in the first 20-30 min was burned into my memory and I was sick for days.

I just despise yucky/scary shit.

Above all I hate sexual assault movies/shows etc

 Even if I'm in a different room and I hear this sound...

... My stomach drops, I panic and immediately need to change the channel.

Candice knows this instinctively now and I reckon she would beat me if it were a race.

So this is why I refuse to watch scary/yucky/frightening/torture films.

It takes me a lot to get over it.

I really wish I wasn't so affected but I am and there is nothing I can do about it.

Except not watch them, which is what I plan on doing forever of course.