Everything seems grey

For the past few weeks my partner and I have been on

 a mission to get our health in order.

Healthier eating, exercise and cutting out any habitual drinking habits.

Regretfully, I'm not doing as well as Candice.

In the beginning week, yeah I went okay. 

The next week or so I did great.

But this week has been a poor effort on my part.

The reoccurring problem for me is my drinking.

I'm so set in my routine shift cycle that I often drink out of habit.

I find it the worst when I'm on afternoon shift.

Which is this week.

So I'm struggling big time.

 One thing I'm realising is that a week without regular 

interaction with Candice is really fucking hard. 

I get a tired hello when I get home from work late at night 

and she gets a sleepy/barely awake goodbye in the morning.

This means I have to be my own company.

Pass me sloshing glass of wine please.

Today for the first time I actually asked myself

"Shauna, could you be an alcoholic?"

 I have been told in the past that I am/might be.

But that information has come from ex-girlfriends and we all know how they like to point the blame.

Now, being a shift worker I work a 3 week rotation of

Day, Afternoon and then Graveyard.

• Graveyard shift I clearly can't drink and don't.

I don't crave alcohol and feel really happy and positive.

• Day shift I find myself doing the exercise but then my drinking routine

 takes over and I crave a bottle of wine while we cook dinner.

• Afternoon shift I am just feeling shit. 

The first day isn't so bad but after that it's a steep slope and I'm quickly at the bottom.

Hello booze.

I hate this because I'm not who I want to be.

I know I can be better, it's just being able to break these habits.

Waking up and not wanting to move then getting home and grabbing a wine glass.

Then repeat.

Again and again.

I have frightened myself a few times lately by having old feelings of numbness.

 Feeling I haven't experienced in years.

The numbness that comes with deep depression.

It's almost that you feel nothing.

No happiness, no sadness, no guilt, no excitement, no fear.

Just nothing.

Last night on the way home from work I found myself wanting my car to break down.

As I drove along the dark street I imagined walking it alone.

I found intense comfort but no fear.

This type of drinking for me is a damaging habit that I need to break.

Social drinking is great... I love it.

Solo drinking, however, may seem great to me at the time 

but ultimately creates a great big grey space.

This week has been bleak.

Grey, grey, grey and more grey.

Ani explains it best.

Next week is a new one.

I plan on milking all the happy I can get.

♥