Cluck...

Lately I've been wanting a little person.

Not of the dwarf variety.

The infant kind.

Yeaaaah.

It's both a scary thought and an exciting one.

It's also difficult one.

If I allow myself to drift off and imagine the type of child we would have 

I easily conjure up images something similar to this.

Adorable, curious little creatures like this.
The type the can't do anything wrong.

Um... but what if we get this.

Constant screaming, tantrum throwing, unbearable children.
I really don't want that.

On top of that, no one hopes for an ugly kid.
Right?
Lucky that all parents think their kid is the cutest thing, despite the reality.
(Oohhh karma is gonna get me for that one)

All jokes aside,
I should take a step back.
Let's be realistic here.

 It's not that quick and easy for my partner and I to have a baby.
I do have a basic understanding of biology
and unfortunately try as we might, our ability to conceive together would not be so easy.
We need to look outside the box.
Ha... box.
(All jokes aside, including the type a 12 year old says)
 It's here we will have to enter the unfamiliar world of sperm donors.
 How do we chose someone based on an essay and childhood photographs?
Who is this person?
What kind of temperament do they have?
Are they stupid?
Are they creative?
Could they possibly be lying through their whole essay anyway?

It's a gamble.

Say we find a donor we both like.
The next step would involve a series of terribly unromantic trips to the Fertility Centre.
Insemination.
Just gives me warm tingly feeling all over.

Once that finally works and I'm actually pregnant,
it's all 'smooth sailing' from there.
Same old issues as every other woman with a growing thing inside them.
Morning sickness, gaining weight and mood swings.

Apart from all that there is something else that worries me more.
The utter absence of support from my friends.
Now not all of my chums think that babies should be drowned in a bucket at birth.
I even have a couple of friends who have recently started a family of their own.
However, the majority of those in my friend circle openly voice their opinion
that people stop being fun when they have babies.
That my lady thang will be broken.
Jokes about not wanting to be invited over to see the baby if I have one.
They say they never, ever, ever want children.
Actual disgust in the thought.

You know what?
It really pisses me off.
I understand that may be how they honestly feel but I find it extremely insensitive.
It makes me feel as though I'm almost being blackmailed.
Like if we choose to start a family we might slowly but surely be cut from the circle.
That's not fair.

Why not embrace decisions and choices that friends make?

I feel like I have spent a lot of my life doing things to please other people.
That's not to say I haven't had a lot of fun along the way.
I just want to be able to stop doing things that I don't want to do
without feeling shit about it.
Not feel as if I'm being I'm being boring if I don't.
I'm well aware I may sound like a grandma to some people
but I'm just not interested in going out every weekend
and then spending Sunday in bed suffering a hangover of death.

It's taken a while for me to get my head space into a place where I
feel happy and content.
But as soon as I start falling into that trap of stressing about
what my friends and other people might think and say about me,
I get really down again and feel like I'm back at step one.

Bringing a child into this world is a huge scary thing.
I would love to have the support of all my friends
but you know what?
Even if I don't, I know I still have the support of Candice.
And that's what matters the most to me anyway.

I'm turning 29 in a couple of months so I'm pretty sure
my basket of eggs is gonna be nice and stocked for a few years to come.
We not planning to rush out today and try and get this baby business underway.
For the time being I'm focusing on my career, study and my already
adorable family - Candice, Yoshi & Luna.

But sometime in the nearish future...