Sad day

Tonight at work I found myself yet again 

up the back of the lab stuck with performing analysis I don't particularly like.

Well, it's not so much the task itself I hate but the chemicals I have to handle I guess.

If I'm up there for too many days in a row I get edgy and start to worry if 

there is enough ventilation and if I'm being harmed in any way.

There is also another reason that I hate being up there.

I feel that there is far too much time to think about things.

A lot of the time it's actually over thinking things.

Tonight I found myself with my brother Jason on my mind 

and I was unable to shut it off.

 Though this may sound emotionally retarded,

that's usually how I deal with things.

Shut it down.

Just shutting those thoughts off, a mission to be distracted,

forcing other ideas and thoughts into my head.

Last resort - getting drunk.

Clearly, being at work I couldn't depend on alcohol to get me out of it.

I tried distracting myself with other thoughts and plans.

But I just kept coming back to him.

I've felt very emotional the past few days and I guess today I finally hit a wall.

I feel cheated that I never got to have more time with him.

10 years apart, he was always so much older than me.

When your a little kid, a brother who is that much older than you,

is someone you look up to with awe but you don't really understand.

I never really knew him back then.

He left home at 16 for work in north qld when I was 6.

Sure we saw each other at xmas and other family events, but it wasn't until

about a year before his death that I really found myself talking to him

without feeling like I was still 6 years old. 

I was shocked to find out just how much we had in common as adults.

He had a such a kind heart.

An earlier memory...

Sitting on the front balcony with my brothers and sisters when I was maybe 5,

 receiving encouragement from him on my painting skills

(even though my brush work was clearly sloppy and he was really gifted artistically) 

on Mickey Mouse he had helped me make from a plaster mould.

A later memory...

Reading his facebook status in which he boldly stated that he agreed with same sex marriage  

and that anyone who didn't feel the same should remove themselves from his friends list.
It felt good.

That's how older brothers are meant to make you feel.

I often wonder what memories we might have had if he had not had left so soon.

I'll never know, so I hold on dear to the past ones.

He loved Little Birdy and so do I.

So here is one of my favourites, Brother.

♥